


I will always think about you

by Close_enough_to_lose



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Stockholm Syndrome, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 18:39:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15612498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Close_enough_to_lose/pseuds/Close_enough_to_lose
Summary: With Murdoc in prison, 2D is finally free from his abuse. But that does not mean Murdoc had stopped haunting his thoughts.





	I will always think about you

**Author's Note:**

> Souk Eye gave me a lot of feelings so I just wanted to explore 2D's Stockholm Syndrome and relationship to Murdoc a bit more

Stuart Pot had always been a simple man. Naive and a bit slow, he was an easy target for mean-spirited folk, but nevertheless, he retained an optimistic outlook on life and treated those around him with kindness. Fame did not get to his head like it used to in his younger days — whenever he heard statistics about album or tour ticket sales he would tune out because he could not understand the magnitude of the numbers — and when he was not touring, he was happy to spend the day alone with nothing but a synthesizer and a pack of cigarettes. Most of his days passed in a haze.

Another day, another daydream.

Stuart was never quite there, he often got distracted. Between bouts of debilitating migraines, his short memory span, and general difficulty concentrating, the present was a nebulous concept to him. Half of the time he struggled to voice what was going through his head, and the other half, he did not grasp what was happening at all. His thoughts were often not in the form of words, but of music. When thinking was too hard, all he had was feelings.

But feelings were just as complicated as thoughts.

Sometimes even more so.

Thoughts could be confusing, messy, contractory. But feelings were even more inexplicable, and to Stuart, they were so much more real.

Lately, people started telling him that he looked more confident. He supposed it was true. He truly did feel like he was becoming his own person. His parents, ever caring and loving, were congratulating him for his newly found happy allure. Even news outlets spoke of 2D’s new persona with curiosity, so the change must have been really noticeable, he thought.

And of course, everyone knew the reason for his sudden transformation. His parents gave him space and did not say much about it; they were just glad to see their son happy. But the news outlets were not as kind. They constantly pestered him with questions about Murdoc, when all Stuart wanted was to forget the man.

When confronted with those questions, he always went and replied with his gut reaction: he hated the man, and that was what he always told the interviewers.

When he examined his soul, however, it was a lot more complicated. Despite all the pain Murdoc had caused him for two decades, a part of him still believed there was something good deep in his rotten core. The bassist managed to force his way into his heart against his will, though every fiber of Stuart’s body protested.

Stuart's feelings led him to believe that maybe Murdoc could redeem himself.

Maybe one day he would change.

Because when Murdoc was not angry (which was rare), he could be pleasant enough.

Because when Murdoc was sleeping, he looked peaceful and harmless.

Because when Murdoc was piss drunk and busy mistaking 2D for a woman, he would pour his heart out about his own past traumas and Stuart's heart would clench with a mixture of pity and protectiveness as they hugged.

His body, however, remembered the beatings and torture more clearly than his mind, and said:

_ He is dangerous. _

_ Run. _

And his mind, perpetually lost between his general confusion, alcohol, and painkillers, could not reconcile these mixed signals.

He knew for a fact that Murdoc got him into two separate car accidents all those years ago, but he could not remember anything other than waking up with blurry vision, and then later on, seeing his black eyes in the mirror, perplexed by his own blank stare.

He knew for a fact that Murdoc had kidnapped him to record an album against his will, but despite the fact that he had no painkillers to ease the pain from his migraines or from the bruises Murdoc left, his mind would not let him retrieve the memories of the abuse.

He had every right to hate him.

But he didn’t.

Not entirely.

He hated him enough to stop talking to him. Murdoc would try to get him to sneak things into prison, which 2D did to the best of his ability, but he did not bother writing. However, he cared enough to follow whatever Murdoc was saying to the media. He cared enough to feel hurt when Murdoc tried to exert control over him even as his own autonomy is stripped from him.

_ “ _ _ Stuart. That’s his real name. I created 2D. I was kind enough to hit him with my car – twice – and the rest is rock-n-roll history. _ ” 

Murdoc was not there to retain 2D physically, so he decided to control him psychologically instead.

Was Murdoc wrong? No, not really. Murdoc named him and, for better or worse, gave him the appearance that had made Stuart into an icon.

Was Stuart supposed to feel grateful? That he could not agree with. Stuart had always been an airhead, but since the accidents, the act of thinking, at its most fundamental level, had become much harder, as if his brain was filled with fog.

Had he not become his own person? Had he not, over time made 2D into something of his own that he learned to like?

Such questions quickly became too perplexing. With no one who could possibly give him answers, he felt uncertain, lost, and upset. He supposed that was what Murdoc wanted. In a sense, it was easier for Murdoc to take control as he was absent, since Stuart could not retaliate.

Murdoc was the one behind bars, but he dragged 2D along with him into a mental prison of his own. 

It was not a prison with bars. Had Murdoc been like a set of bars, his absence would have set 2D free, without the feeling of isolation, regret, and longing. Instead, Murdoc was akin to a master puppeteer who blindfolded 2D and led him by invisible strings. Now that Murdoc was gone, 2D could see and he was no longer controlled by the strings, but the newfound autonomy was destabilizing. He could not find his way alone.

Murdoc made it so that 2D felt like he needed him.

Murdoc made him feel like he needed to prove that he deserved respect and affection. But nothing 2D ever did was good enough for him.

And worse still, 2D still longed for the day he would finally receive the slightest hint of affection from Murdoc. 

Stuart shook his head. He was getting angry. Angry that deep inside, Murdoc still provoked fear in him. Angry that he could not hate Murdoc, not when he was suffering in prison. Angry that he was stuck with his heart aching for someone who had made his life a hell on Earth. He was also frustrated that without Murdoc in his presence, he could not channel his anger, and so, he was instead filled with a perverted nostalgia for a time where he did not need to make choices because he was not allowed to, where he would be told what he had to do, where harsh words and gestures indicated to him what his place in the world was.

Did Stuart really need to be insulted in order to be brought back to reality? Did he need to be constantly told to shut up to get his concentration back? Did he  _ really _ need to be in pain in order to sing?

He did not.

He created music freely without Murdoc.

He sang his own heart.

He owned his voice and the name 2D. He owned his place in Gorillaz. He owned his present even though he could not always feel it, even though it slipped between his fingers like water.

So he turned to music to express his confused feelings.

For better or for worse, he wrote music to Murdoc

But not  _ for _ Murdoc now.

Now, the only person 2D wrote for was himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Here are the sources for the interviews/incidents mentioned:
> 
> Interview where Murdoc says that he created 2D: [here](https://www.nme.com/music-interviews/gorillaz-exclusive-murdoc-hits-back-2d-wormwood-scrubs-cell-2354976)
> 
> Interview where 2D talks about Murdoc getting drunk and mistaking him for a woman : [here](https://www.highsnobiety.com/2016/11/04/gorillaz-2d-interview/)
> 
> 2D: _“One time after a show Murdoc got very drunk. He pointed at me then one of the security guards escorted me to his trailer. When I got inside, Murdoc gave me strawberries and told me about all the tragedies in his life, stopping only to cry or smoke a joint. Afterwards he said I was a good listener, and not like all the other girls. We hugged, exchanged numbers, and I left. He never called.”_
> 
> Thank you for reading! Don't hesitate to leave kudos and comment if you liked this! :)


End file.
